“How To Be Picked First For Dodgeball: Chapter One, For Eager Freshmen” Liz Johnson

Don’t get dressed too fast for gym class. Your nerdy glasses and high-water jeans will make you seem overly anxious when they’re flying off your stick-framed body. You don’t want to be out of the locker room first. Pace yourself. Find the most popular, built guy and follow his lead. Don’t stare too much though, he’ll think your checking him out. You won’t get picked first if half the class thinks you’re homosexual. Don’t wear your gym uniform like you should. Rules are for breaking. Rebels are badass. Don’t tuck in your shirt all the way, but don’t let it all hang out. You don’t want to look like you were rushed because you wanted to stay late for chemistry to discuss your upcoming projects with your favorite teacher. Sag your shorts. Nothing says cool and tough like displaying your boxer’s band. You know, the boxer bands that say the name of a popular teenage store that plays loud music and smells like sex as you apprehensively stroll past it in the mall. Yeah, show that off. Don’t let your socks show. No one knows why this makes you tough, but do it anyway. Everybody else does. Take one last look in the mirror, make sure your outfit is acceptable, and slap on one last layer of deodorant. No one wants a smelly team player.
Notice the guys the act out as the gym teacher explains the rules. These are the gods of dodge ball. They don’t need rules. They sleep, eat, and shit dodge ball. You want to be just like them. Again, don’t stare at them for too long, they’ll catch on. Don’t stand with the others in a straight line. You’re better than lines. Stand out in front. Position yourself away from those who won’t be picked first. Make yourself seen. The gym teacher will pick the captains and you will need your inhaler when you realize that the guys picked don’t even know your name. Hey, you could always be “the guy over there that looks like he’s trying too hard”. Don’t give up just yet. The captains will scan the line for their first teammate, which will be you, or the guy next to you, or the guy next to him, or…well, you get it. Don’t shrink back. Chin up, chest out, not too far out, and pick a stance that says “I shave everyday”. Don’t look the captains in the eye. This is the automatic pity stare. The minute you look them in the eye, you’re basically shouting “please pick me so I don’t look like a freak to the girls playing volleyball on the other side of the gym”. Don’t look down though either. Look at the girls. You’re more interested in them anyway. Those tight tight gym shirts and those short shorts and…damn. Okay, so Billy Thorton was picked first. It was rigged anyway. Don’t get down when four, now, five names have been called. You’re probably not flexing hard enough. Slouch a little more. Sixth person picked? Not this time, buddy. Sag your shorts a little more. Seventh? Hey, they do know your name after all. Don’t run too fast over to the huddle, but don’t be too slow. Strut. Good luck.